Tag: recovery

Circular

There’s something in the way you move that reminds me of him. It flickers across your face and changes you. Momentarily. And then you are back.

I wonder if it’s co-incidence or if my masochistic subconscious latched on to it as we fell in love. Worse still, I wonder if you picked it up from me. If I’ve been unwittingly carrying him in the way I hold myself.

It scares me sometimes in a way I struggle to explain. I have to remind myself that bad people have good traits too. And that some bad traits wore the masks of good ones and I shouldn’t hold the good ones responsible for that.

But it’s hard.

When you say, How was your day? What did you get up to? I hear, You better have a good excuse for not being here today. And you better not leave again any time soon.

Abuse can wear the face of concern. And now both of them give me chills.

Panic

There is a party. With laughter and drink and people I love. The room is packed. There is music and I am spinning.

Then someone comes to talk to me and they bring with them a smell. Maybe it’s the brand of the wine they are drinking, or their deodorant, or whatever they used to wash their hair. Whatever it is it sends a jolt of something horrible coursing through me. It squeezes my chest. It grips my thoughts. It lifts me up and takes me back to somewhere I don’t want to be.

There was another party. With laughter and drink and people who told me they loved me. One of them touched me. I told them not to, but we were alone and they did not stop. They had that smell- that wine, that deodorant, that shampoo… that… They are long gone now.

But that smell.

That fucking smell lets them reach through time and do it all over again.

The room is tiny. The music is far away. The walls are closing in and they are spinning.

via Daily Prompt: Jolt