Thank you for your email.
As of this Friday I am out of the office
And will remain so indefinitely.
I am sorry for the inconvenience caused,
If you’re the one who found my body.
If you require urgent assistance,
Please call your local helpline.
If I am unsuccessful
I will respond to your email on Monday.
P.S I bequeath my biscuit supply to the person who cleans out my desk.